{"id":6440,"date":"2026-06-19T18:15:10","date_gmt":"2026-06-19T16:15:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/aequus.fr\/journaldebord\/?p=6440"},"modified":"2026-06-19T18:15:33","modified_gmt":"2026-06-19T16:15:33","slug":"le-standard-des-urgences-ou-le-syndrome-de-la-case-cochee","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/aequus.fr\/journaldebord\/le-standard-des-urgences-ou-le-syndrome-de-la-case-cochee\/","title":{"rendered":"Le Standard des urgences ou le syndrome de la case coch\u00e9e"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"768\" src=\"https:\/\/aequus.fr\/journaldebord\/wp-content\/uploads\/IMG_4129-1024x768.jpeg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-6441\" srcset=\"https:\/\/aequus.fr\/journaldebord\/wp-content\/uploads\/IMG_4129-1024x768.jpeg 1024w, https:\/\/aequus.fr\/journaldebord\/wp-content\/uploads\/IMG_4129-300x225.jpeg 300w, https:\/\/aequus.fr\/journaldebord\/wp-content\/uploads\/IMG_4129-768x576.jpeg 768w, https:\/\/aequus.fr\/journaldebord\/wp-content\/uploads\/IMG_4129-1536x1151.jpeg 1536w, https:\/\/aequus.fr\/journaldebord\/wp-content\/uploads\/IMG_4129-2048x1535.jpeg 2048w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">M\u00e9m\u00e9 est alit\u00e9e, le corps fig\u00e9 par la douleur. Son cou emprisonn\u00e9 dans une minerve qui lui remonte les joues jusqu&rsquo;aux oreilles, ses yeux, vid\u00e9s par la douleur intercostale, fixent le plafond. De sa main droite, elle tient un t\u00e9l\u00e9phone pour appeler le samu.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A l\u2019autre bout de la ligne , une jeune interne femelle en fin de cursus, elle a la p\u00e2leur de mes balsanes et son visage pr\u00e9sente une topographie d\u2019une richesse g\u00e9ologique remarquable: les micro-kystes de stress disputent le terrain aux papules de la malbouffe. C\u2019est un peu le syndrome du \u00ab masque de l&rsquo;interne \u00bb, cette \u00e9ruption cutan\u00e9e \u00e0 lib\u00e9ration prolong\u00e9e, provoqu\u00e9e par l&rsquo;abus de caf\u00e9 ti\u00e8de du distributeur et des sandwiches triangle \u00ab&nbsp;thon-mayo&nbsp;\u00bb de l\u2019avant-veille.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">La pimprenelle porte la blouse blanche r\u00e9glementaire, trop grande pour ses \u00e9paules tombantes, dont les poches sont lest\u00e9es d\u2019un trait\u00e9 de th\u00e9rapeutique de poche, de trois stylos publicitaires qui fuient et d\u2019un smartphone greff\u00e9 \u00e0 la paume de sa main. Son st\u00e9thoscope dernier cri est arbor\u00e9 autour de son cou avec fiert\u00e9 et son utilit\u00e9 actuelle se limite \u00e0 \u00e9couter les battements de son propre c\u0153ur paniqu\u00e9, face au flux incessants d&rsquo;appels des patients sur la plate-forme.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Plac\u00e9e sous la surveillance lointaine \u2014 mais juridiquement indispensable \u2014 d\u2019un toubib senior qui en est \u00e0 son troisi\u00e8me double expresso dans le bureau du fond, dame donzelle est investie d\u2019une mission divine. Elle a valid\u00e9 ses examens, elle a donc le droit de&nbsp;<em>r\u00e9guler et d\u2019enlever au bout de son nez son petit monde t\u00e9l\u00e9phonique&nbsp;<\/em>. Elle poss\u00e8de le pouvoir de vie, de mort et d&rsquo;ordonnance sur la pl\u00e8be qui ose souffrir en dehors des grilles d&rsquo;\u00e9valuation informatiques. D\u2019ailleurs elle n\u2019\u00e9coute pas ce que lui dit m\u00e9m\u00e9, elle se contente de lui dire que 25 + 25 font 50, lorsque m\u00e9m\u00e9 lui explique qu\u2019elle a d\u00e9plac\u00e9 successsivement des sacs de 25 kg de graines pour ses b\u00eates; \u00e0 ce moment pr\u00e9cis , j\u2019ai \u00e9t\u00e9 tent\u00e9 d\u2019intervenir pour lui expliquer que porter 25 kg ou le double en une seule prise n\u2019avait pas la m\u00eame incidence sur le corps fragile de m\u00e9m\u00e9.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Gris\u00e9e par cette autorit\u00e9 toute fra\u00eeche, l\u2019\u0153il riv\u00e9 sur son double \u00e9cran d\u2019ordinateur, dame donzelle applique la M\u00e9thode Globale, le \u00ab&nbsp; Poucet et l\u2019\u00e9cureuil&nbsp;\u00bb du carabin;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Elle s\u2019entra\u00eene \u00e0 un ton doctoral, p\u00e9remptoire, m\u00e2tin\u00e9 d\u2019un d\u00e9tachement clinique qu\u2019elle imagine digne d&rsquo;un chef de clinique de l\u2019h\u00f4pital. Elle utilise des mots de quatre syllabes pour masquer le fait qu\u2019elle est \u00e0 deux doigts d&rsquo;appeler sa m\u00e8re pour savoir comment on soigne un torticolis.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&nbsp;Pour elle, le patient n\u2019est plus un \u00eatre humain comme elle, il est une variable algorithmique. Si la r\u00e9alit\u00e9 du terrain ne rentre pas dans les cases de son logiciel standardis\u00e9, c\u2019est la r\u00e9alit\u00e9 qui a tort. J\u2019ai vu l&rsquo;incarnation vivante du Schtroumpf \u00e0 Lunettes en milieu hospitalier :&nbsp;<em>\u00ab Le protocole dit que deux fois vingt-cinq font cinquante, donc vous avez trich\u00e9 avec la physique, Madame. \u00bb<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Elle terminera sa garde \u00e0 8 heures du matin, persuad\u00e9e d&rsquo;avoir sauv\u00e9 la France d&rsquo;une \u00e9pid\u00e9mie d&rsquo;analphab\u00e9tisme math\u00e9matique, tout en grattant nerveusement son acn\u00e9 de fin de pousse. Moi j\u2019observe la sc\u00e8ne et je me dis que j\u2019ai de la chance d\u2019avoir un v\u00e9t\u00e9rinaire humain, tout \u00e0 fait adorable et compr\u00e9hensif, qui n\u2019a pas besoin de rabaisser m\u00e9m\u00e9 pour asseoir son autorit\u00e9 t\u00e9l\u00e9phonique d\u2019homme de science.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Kandide<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>M\u00e9m\u00e9 est alit\u00e9e, le corps fig\u00e9 par la douleur. Son cou emprisonn\u00e9 dans une minerve qui lui remonte les joues [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,1,38],"tags":[1549,1550,1551,903,1547,1548],"class_list":["post-6440","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-efdb","category-comanim","category-uvdc","tag-graines","tag-interne","tag-medecine-humaine","tag-poids","tag-samu","tag-urgences"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/aequus.fr\/journaldebord\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6440","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/aequus.fr\/journaldebord\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/aequus.fr\/journaldebord\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/aequus.fr\/journaldebord\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/aequus.fr\/journaldebord\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6440"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/aequus.fr\/journaldebord\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6440\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6442,"href":"https:\/\/aequus.fr\/journaldebord\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6440\/revisions\/6442"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/aequus.fr\/journaldebord\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6440"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/aequus.fr\/journaldebord\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6440"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/aequus.fr\/journaldebord\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6440"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}